TOPSurgery: The next footsteps in a long journey

I am not sure why I felt so vulnerable discussing wanting top surgery with my physician. Up to this point, she has been a fantastic provider for both my wife and myself. Even though I knew, as a professional, she would not be judgmental or act shocked, I still held trepidation about what was to transpire next. After all, I have lived this way for so long; shouldn't I be able to continue to deal with my situation as a well-adjusted, mature, intelligent person? And something that was unexpected - GUILT! I have so many friends and acquaintances who have "lost" a breast to cancer. Not only are they devastated to have been diagnosed with cancer, but the long term effects of losing a part of their body that for them, in our culture, defines femininity, motherhood and sexuality. How brazen was I to voluntarily remove my breasts?  Those thoughts were not overpowering or paralyzing by any means, but they were just one of so many of the thoughts that arose as I navigated this long-awaited event.
I imagined that I could hear the thoughts in the heads of some of the people that I told about my plans; "really? At your age? Why bother?"  And then what people said to my face - so much support and understanding. Most everyone said that they were glad that I shared my most personal information with them.  And then there was the opportunity to educate and inform. Many people my age, particularly the white, straight demographic, have no interaction or experience with TG people. All they know of TG persons is Chaz Bono and Kaitlynn Jenner. Because of that, it was often difficult to then create an understanding of the non-gender binary.  Don't get me wrong, most people were relieved to find that I was not planning to fully transition to a male- it would have been easier to explain the process however.  Explaining the cafeteria plan of non-gender binary and the attendant medical and surgical options took some time. At the same time I was helping myself to understand my own feelings and direction.  Ideas are never so fully understood as when we can clearly articulate them to others. All of this came much later however; now I was to navigate the health-care system. I had heard and read about so many horror stories about the process.  That's where my feelings of vulnerability originated - needing something so very important and relying on near strangers to allow me to get it.

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