TOPSurgeryAtLast

While I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to enter, my wife helped me to relax and take some much needed deep breaths.  This was it, the time had finally come when I would say out loud, to a health care professional, that I desired TOPSurgery and that I wanted them to help me get it.  I had in my folder (that became quite thick as the process moved forward) a letter from a psychologist stating that I was not crazy (not in those words of course) and that my gender dysphoria required treatment. In my case that meant TOPSurgery. I had told her that I labeled myself 'gender-variant'. Gender-queer is a more hip term, but the queer word can put some people off.  I guess that I wanted to sound as normal  as possible when I was presented to professional health care providers.  As I mentioned in a previous post, the concept of non-gender binary has become more socialized and recognized, at least in  queer circles and for many younger people, at leas...

I am not sure why I felt so vulnerable discussing wanting top surgery with my physician. Up to this point, she has been a fantastic provider for both my wife and myself. Even though I knew, as a professional, she would not be judgmental or act shocked, I still held trepidation about what was to transpire next. After all, I have lived this way for so long; shouldn't I be able to continue to deal with my situation as a well-adjusted, mature, intelligent person? And something that was unexpected - GUILT! I have so many friends and acquaintances who have "lost" a breast to cancer. Not only are they devastated to have been diagnosed with cancer, but the long term effects of losing a part of their body that for them, in our culture, defines femininity, motherhood and sexuality. How brazen was I to voluntarily remove my breasts?  Those thoughts were not overpowering or paralyzing by any means, but they were just one of so many of the thoughts that arose as I navigated this long-...

Sometime in the Spring or early Summer of 2017, my friend JS gave me the book: Gender Failure By (author)  Ivan Coyote  and  Rae Spoon I read the beginning chapters, and learned about the authors and their stories about trying to pass (as male) and the abuse and ridicule that they received (no surprise there). It is so perplexing to me that so many people, especially men, take offense to both men and women presenting as something other than their stereotype.  How, in the whole scheme of things, does this really affect you??  World view according to you? Mind your own business! At any rate, the book was interesting, but I found myself putting it down when I reached the chapter about top surgery. I didn't touch it again for months.  I just told myself that it wasn't really interesting, or well written. Or maybe didn't apply to me, because I didn't want to be a man. I think subconsciously I didn't want to read what the author had to say....

After attending my first TG support group in December 2016 at the age of 58, I decided then that I would have TOPSurgery before I turned 60.  I had recently learned through a company newsblast, that my employer, Sutter Health (a large company that is self-insured for health care) was now paying for TG surgeries!  I was shocked and elated.  So, I knew what I wanted, but had zero idea how to go about it.  I thought that a psychological evaluation would be required.  I also believed that it would be helpful to have a therapist help support me through this process. Not unlike the situation with other aspects of mental health care,resources are tight. These type of counselors who specialize in TG issues (at least in my area) were few and not seeing any new clients. I did find one person who was willing to hold a phone interview with me  and provide a letter stating my situation and her evaluation that I was appropriate for surgery.  This took about one mont...

For quite some time I stated that I wanted to be neither male nor female. I believe that if I was born M, I would still gravitate toward the middle.  My wife loves the parts of me that blend both the M and the F, and there are characteristics of both that I cherish. I finally discovered that it wasn't neither, but both. That could make for some pretty busy physiology!  So instead of adding body parts, I clearly knew that I wanted to remove some.  I felt very torn about having top surgery. Not because having a flat, more male appearing chest wasn’t on my top 5 list of important things in my life, but because I didn’t want to transition to male. I read a lot about the process of transitioning; first about M to F, then about F to M. The hormones, dressing and living as the gender for a year, changing the name, psychological evaluations, etc. I didn’t want all of that because I didn’t want either of the gender binary choices. I actually felt lost for about 10 yea...

You read in my last post that the phenomenon of transgender is not new.  This of course makes sense as does the existence of homosexuality, BDSM, polygamy, and other things related to how people, since the beginning of time, have chosen to relate to each other and the world. During  the 20th and 21st centuries, advances in  sex reassignment surgery  as well as  transgender activism  have influenced transgender life and the current perception of transgender people in the United States. During my investigation of surgical options for myself, I was surprised to learn about all  the options for bottom surgery for F to M transition. I was not interested in changing anything below the waist, and this is commonly found in most trans-men (F to M transgender individuals; women who have altered their appearance to look like and live as males). Just taking testosterone will change an F body and cause the acquisition of some secondary male characteristics....

I was non-gender binary, or as my wife Laura and I like to call it,  in-the-middle , way before it was a  thing . I mean before it was socialized.  It took some time to feel comfortable in my own mind around these seemingly simple conventions. And  I was always struggling to present in a way that felt true to my feelings and vision of myself. To minimize my truly F characteristics, as well to feel comfortable with myself, I overcompensated toward M appearance. My most troubling attribute consistently was my breasts.  Long before I even realized it, I longed for a flat chest.  I would look at men's chests and feel so cheated, so tortured and disadvantaged.   Not that I ever had an amazing set, but it still felt like I was wearing a sign on my chest that said "Treat me as less-than". "I can breastfeed - so I am the weaker gender".   No disrespect to mothers, but I knew that wasn't me.  It was like starting a race wearing a weight ...

It took me a while to recover from my dogma of lesbianism. Don't get me wrong (and don't pull my Lesbo card and keep me from Olivia trips!) but I leaned that there was more to me than loving other women and feminism.  I learned from a very wise trans-woman about the difference between gender identity and sexual preference.  As recently as 2003, I, who was in the community, ignorantly believed that people who transitioned (to the opposite gender) primarily did so as a means to not just be who they feel that they are, but to be in a traditional opposite sex relationship. How could I be so naive? My friend went from being a heterosexual male, to a lesbian woman. That means, that her gender changed (from M to F), but her sexual preference did not (sexually and romantically attracted to women). Maybe I didn't understand the situations of others; I only knew that I was not fully female, and I wanted to be with women, so my gender was the issue, and my sexual preference was not...

The wonderful lesbian and women's rights movement made thinking about my male-ness rare. I was content with being a strong woman. And I certainly didn't want to be a man. But as much as I identified with the woman's movement, I didn't really want to be one. I also came to grips with the fact that I was attracted to of all things......straight women.  Right, I liked fems. No more searching for a carbon copy of myself. No more identifying with what I like to call "dyke-alikes"; a female couple who looked somewhat androgynous, exactly the same - whether it was flannel shirts or sports uniforms.  I spent the next 2 decades being what my friends like to call, "the converter". I would become interested in a women who was previously (or currently) straight, and bring her over to "the dark side". Honestly I believe these women to be very normal, that is, they are open to fluidity of sexual preference. I will tell you how many of them said, "I...

During the late 70s and the 80s, I was very identified with (radical) lesbian feminism. The patriarchy must fall!  (I still feel that way especially in view of our current regime) This actually produced a fair amount of angst. I was to disavow my male-ness? I found strength, solace and community with strong, competent and loving "women-identified-women".  I wore more hippy-type clothes, and A LOT of purple! Women's music (music about being strong women loving other women) became more available and popular, and I had found my place!  We went on a lot of camping trips, and played a lot of softball and other sports in college and after.  An amazing community.  Then once in a womens' group at a fabulous women's bookstore in Palo Alto, a trans-woman showed up.  Trans phenomenon was rare in the 1980s. She was the epitome of woman-identified.  But I was a bit taken aback. After enjoying the benefit of growing up male, did [she] they deserve to be amon...

When I was a very small child, I wanted to be a boy. I know that a lot of girls go through a tomboy stage, but mine was way more than that.   Before I even had entered kindergarten I asked everyone to call me Derek, after a strong and smart male character that I had seen in some  movie. In first grade I was madly in love with my teacher - Sister Mary Thomas - who was a gentle and beautiful soul.  I may have joined the convent to be with her! In third grade I had a mad crush on the Rec tennis coach Candy. Looking back I know that she was gay, and I probably just wanted to be her.  Maybe not surprisingly, much of my issue related to my feelings of being transgender(or in those days, just wanting to be a boy) were around the blatant discrepancy  that I noticed at a very young age about how girls and boys were treated.It made no sense to me!  After all, I was way better than most of them in sports and could beat most of them up! Until a certain age.. .....

Last post I talked about the sex binary, Male or Female (M/F) and the gender binary Cis or Trans. During the past 2 decades, when transgender issues came more into public awareness, the case remained that o ne either identified with the gender that was apparent at birth (Cisgender), or one identified as the opposite gender (Transgender).  During the past decade however, the notion of non-gender-binary has come to the fore; that is, not all of us identify as either M or F  gender (regardless of sex at birth) and still others move along the continuum as it suits, the so-called gender-fluid . I have to say that until my recent TOPSurgery on 7/6/18, I struggled most every single day deciding how to show up in the world. What should I wear, what could I get away with wearing? How would  I be received at work, speaking at a conference, or at a high level meeting, especially with mostly men.  I know that most professionals  dress for success, and tailor their c...

You learned from my previous post that I am just weeks away from my 60th birthday.  Why did I wait so long to do this?? Why did I bother after living this way for so long? Both really good questions that I promise to answer. But first, in order to gain some understanding, let's discuss sex and gender.  We are all pretty familiar with the male and female sex. These designations are based on your body; genitals, reproductive organs, secondary sex characteristics, etc., not to mention procreation. (many conservatives are still hung up on that).  Most people believe that this designation is binary - but it is not. There are approximately 14 different and aberrant X and Y (and literally all combinations and numbers of each) perturbations of sex chromosome configurations (also called GONOSOMES). The most well-known are: 45, X , also known as  Turner syndrome  and  47, XXY , also known as  Klinefelter syndrome But most humans are pretty clearly male o...

Wednesday, August 1st, 2018: Let me start out by saying that I am not starting at the beginning. Now that I am approximately 1 month into my recovery, and have shared my story with those close to me, I have been encouraged by my wife and some really good friends (who are Cis-gendered and straight but informed) to write this blog.  So I am starting where I am; but don't we all.  The last blog that I wrote was just over 10 years ago; there I chronicled my cycling trip across the U.S. (during which I met my wife; win-win!). It has recently been taken down - very disappointing!! However back to my breasts - or lack of them now as it turns out.  On July 6th, 2018, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy with nipple and areolar reconstruction.  Top surgery = bilateral mastectomy with male chest reconstruction.  This includes taking cut sections from my (previously enormous) areola, and a separate section of my (somewhat large) nipples, to create male breast configuratio...