TOPSurgery: The Wait ll

They called to schedule my consultation! OMG I was so excited. One month to the day after seeing my gender-care specialist Dr. G on March 30th, I would be discussing the specifics of my TOPSurgery with the surgeon who would perform the procedure, Dr. S, on April 30th.

I felt reinvigorated and hopeful although I had prepared myself to hear that the waiting period between the consult and the actual surgery may be significant. At least this was the foot in the door and it helped me to believe that it would actually happen.

I finally allowed myself to look in the mirror and actually imagine what I would really look like with a "male chest configuration". I tried on my clothes, men's shirts really, that didn't currently fit over my breasts and wondered which ones I would be able to wear proudly after the surgery. I want to be clear that this was not vanity; it is about finally looking into the mirror and seeing the outward appearance that matches my inner perception of self.  I wasn't doing this to present a persona to the outer world in order to gain some standing, or even as it turns out, to be perceived differently. I wanted this so that I could feel comfortable with myself.....for the first time since puberty.

Aside from my personal feelings about dramatically changing the way that I looked and hence felt, I neglected to give much thought to how others may perceive me, or how I might explain things to people.  I felt that this was personal, and that aside from my wife, it wasn't really anyone else's business, except for a few friends whom I knew would be supportive. I was so very focused on making the surgery happen, I didn't plan for what would happen next.

This turned out to be naive on my part because I hadn't considered the next steps very carefully. I didn't even rehearse what to say to people that I didn't want to know what kind of surgery that I had, or that I had surgery at all. Each person that I came in contact with required a quick evaluation and conclusion on how much to share.
This became exhausting and a huge source of stress and anxiety that I feel affected the energy that I needed for my recovery.

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